I'm still around!

A friend asked me yesterday that why i've left blogging. It took me by surprise because I dont really think I've left it. Or have I? There are a number of topics I want to write about, but its too scattered. I want to write about things ranging from pResident evil busharraf to the first encounter with my best friend around 7 years ago. I want to write about murders of people I know, and about deaths of people I dont know. I want to write about pleasant, happy, funny times, and I want to write about sad, depressing, bad times. Unfortunately, I'm trying to write about all these things at the same time. Stupid me. I'm unable to concentrate on one thing. Sort of mercurial-natured these days. Working this way, I wont be able to write about anything. And thats exactly what's happening.

Then there's another problem. I'm afraid of writing the truth now. I've discovered that people do read my blog, and its a BIG problem. It means that I cannot write whatever I want to write. Because that would mean calling a lot of trouble. I cannot write what I feel, I have to write what people think I feel. And I cannot freely write about things happening around/to me because they involve other people. And I dont want to create problems for someone else by dragging them in here. I've realized that being anonymous is a real blessing. Maybe I'll have to change the url and my identity on this blog. Or maybe I need to start another anonymous blog where I can be truly myself. Or maybe i need to restrict access to this blog to only those people whom I trust. but whatever, one this is for sure. i'm unable, but still willing to write! i'm still around!!

My state of mind right now...

another birthday today... another year passed... so quickly... so quickly that i almost dint notice it... three years ago, i was in northern areas these days... an year after that, i was there again... for all the wrong reasons... it was earthquake, it was doomsday... then another year passed, i was in london for all the right reasons with all the right company... so vividly i remember it all... nobody wished me till evening last year, when i expected atleast ppl there with me to wish... i dint expect wishes from same ppl this year, but unpredictable as this life is, they wished me...

its really amazing how much life can change in one year... and at the same time, how amazingly still life can become for the whole year... i spent almost all of the year in the same company (though the name changed two days ago), in the same city, same office, same desk... yet i'm not the Kashif who i was 1 year ago... learned a lot from my mistakes, changed a lot for the better and for the worse at the same time... found new friends, lost old ones... among them, lost a very dear friend inexplicably... still unable to understand what happened... i just know that we lost it somehow... not even acquaintaces anymore... i just have sweet memories and bitter moments... his sight makes me nostalgic... my friend took the present from me, i wish he had taken the past with him as well... i wrote this about an year ago, and its sad that i was very much right... my friend, i wish you everything in life!!

i dont know what life has in store for me... where will i be next year... i had ambitious plans, but couldnt act on them... i still have ambitious plans... but i'm working on them more seriously now... i've matured, learned a lot to know whats practical and whats not... i hope for next year to bring fulfillemnt, rewards and satisfaction... i pray it brings health and joy... i pray i discover my true self in the days to come... i pray i achieve my dreams... i pray...

shaayad...

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A Voice From The Past

i wrote it more than an year ago, but never got the chance to post. now something has happened, something has changed which encouraged me to dig it down and write it out.
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wednesday 22nd feb 2006 at about 3 o'clock noon
I received a call from my home. My father was on the line. The conversation went somewhat like...
My father: "someone is here to meet u".
Me: "who?"
My father: "ask urself!!".
He handed over the phone to that person.
The person: "hello".
Me: "Assalam o Alaikum".
The person: "pehchana?"
As i recognized the voice, A thousand images changed in front of my eyes in a split second, and it took me some time to recompose myself.
Me: "Qari Mushtaq sahab", how can i forget u?
"pehchaan liya hai g is nay", I overheard him saying to my father.

They were not expecting me to recognize him so quickly. Its definitely not easy to recognize someone's voice after nine long years, but HOW could I forget him? The conversation ended after a few more sentences, but it took me on a ride to some years back in the past... I used to
meet this person daily for 5 years...
How can I forget him?
How can I forget the Quran in my heart?
How can I forget the dent on my nose?
How can I forget the hatred i have for maulvies?
How can I forget a person I respect a lot, and at the same time hate from the core of my heart?
How can I forget my teacher who taught me the Quran?
How can I forget my student of english and maths?
How can I forget those post-torture sleepless nights?
JUST HOW can I forget???

By the time I left the madrassa, I had a mission. I had a vision. I had a dream. I wanted to create an institution where the world's best islamic and non-islamic education will be offerred. An institution which will not create clerics, And nor it will be an assembly line of atheists. But I also knew that it wont be easy.

Once I left madrassa, I never went back. I never looked back. Of the ppl I know/knew, only three went on to persue worldly education. others... well, thats a separate sad story.

I got busy in other stuff. This world is the best illusion. My mission kept being pushed deeper into the dust, but it never left my mind. I kept hoping for the right time, and i kept praying for the strengths needed to achieve my dream.

Night Functions

A few hour delays have always been part of the wedding functions. But now that night functions have become kind of a fashion, these delays become a torture. I attended such a night function some time ago which went way off-schedule. luckily I had a camera, and here are a few thousand words from that function through the lens.

Aisay bhi hain mehrbaa'n...

This world, this life is a funny thing. One day, u r like one soul in two bodies, cant live without one another. And then earth does a few rotations around the sun. Another day, you pass by, but dont even recognize each other. With not even the slightest hint of acquaintance in the eyes, you JUST pass by!! isnt it funny? One day, you had almost everything common between you two, and another day, there is NOTHING common to talk about? One time, you used to virtually live together. Another time, you cannot even spare a few minutes to try to remember the "stranger" in front of you?

Aisay bhi hain mehrbaa'n zindagi ki raah mein
K jab milay tou youn milayjaisay jaantay nahi

This world, this life is a funny thing. Earth keeps rotating. Strangers enter your life to become friends, only to then exit your life to become strangers. Some strangers just become an INTEGERAL part of your life. Earth keeps rotating. And then after a few rotations, the INTEGERAL part becomes obsolete, redundant, needless and useless.

Earth keeps rotating. Strangers become friends, friends become strangers. Thats the way it is. and the only truth is that this world, this life is a funny thing. There are ppl all around you, but still, you have to live it ALONE...

strangers we were, strangers we will remain forever...

iSay - time

gone are the times when not many ppl had watches, but almost everyone had abundance of time for others. and now are the times when everyone has abundance of time-tracking devices everywhere - on wrists, in mobiles, at walls, on TVs; basically anything which has a display, displays time - but unfortunately what everyone does not have is the TIME!!!

Aur sunao

a friends sister asked me to write a debate on this stupid topic "aur sunao". and since i've written one now, i think it would be good if i put it here.
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muazzaz judge sahiba! aur sunao! g? mein sunaaoon? chaliyay koshish krti hoon!!

kehtain hain k khwateen kisi bhi mozu per ghantoon bol sakti hain. magar hmaaray aik dost ka khyaal hai k woh baghair kisi mozu k bhi ghantoon bol sakti hain. aur sunao! khwateen ki baat ho rahi hai tou yahaan yeh amar qabl e zikr hai k dou khwaateen aapas mein baat krtay huay "aur sunao" ka shazo nadir he istmaal krti hain. kiun? kiun k unhain apni sunanay say fursat milay tou woh kisi aur ko sunanay ki dawat dain na! aur jab dou shadi shuda mard aapas mein baat kr rehay hoon tou un ki guftgoo "aur sunao" say shuru ho kr "aur sunao" per he khatam ho jati hain. aur woh iss liay, k shadi shuda mardoon ko sirf sunnay ki aadat hoti hai, woh sunana tou taqreeban bhool he jatay hain. lehaza jab dou mard hazraat apas mein baithay hoon tou woh "aur sunao" say aik doosray ki hosla afzai k ilawa kuch nahi kr saktay. aik biwi apnay shohar say baat krtay huay "aur sunao" ka waqtan fawaqtan istmaal zaroor krti hai. magar shohar becharay nai kuch sunanay k liay munh bhi nah khola hota k biwi dobara sunana shuru kr deti hai. tou jnaab hum nai iss per tou behas kr li k khwateen apas mein "aur sunao" ka istmal nahi krtin, aur mard apas mein aur sunao k ilawa aur kuch istmaal krnay k qabil nahi hotay. khwateen mardoon say baat krtay huay saans lenay k liay aur sunao ka istmaal krti hain. magar... mardoon k khwateen say baat krnay ka zikr nahi hua. wajah uss ki yeh hai k hum nai tou aaj tak kisi mard ko khatoon say baat krtay nahi dekha, hamesha khatoon he mard say baat kr rahi hoti hain. aap kabhi dekhain tou hamain bhi zaroor bataiyay ga!!

aur sunao!!

"aur sunao" ka istmaal syaaq o sbaaq k hwaalay say mukhtlif ma'ani rakhta hai. aap kisi shaair say kahin "aur suano" tou woh apna tazah klaam sunana shuru kr de ga. kisi saas say kahain tou woh apni bahu ki shikayatain lay kr baith jae gi, magar kisi bahu say saas ki shikaytain sunnnai k liay "aur sunao" ki qatan koi zaroorat nahi, woh iss k baghair he aapko apnay sub dukhrray suna dey gi. aur yehi "aur sunao" agar aap kisi dil jlay say kahain, tou woh aap ko khari khari suna day ga. tou hamari aik aziz shairah hain, jo dil jali bhi hain aur shadi shudah bhi. un say jab aap "aur sunao" kahain tou woh ehtiatan pooch leti hain "kia sunaoon? gilay shikway, shairi ya phir khari khari?"

aur sunaon??!!

tou janab, aik hakeem sahab nai fashaar e khoon k ilaj ka aik nahayaat he mujarrab aur teer bahadaf nuskha tayar kia hai, magar masla yeh hai k yeh nuskha sirf khwateen aur shair hazraat per he karaamad hai. hakeem sahab ka kehna hai k fishaar e khoon ka sabab khwateen ka chand minute say ziada chup rehna, aur shair hazraat ka kuch dair tak kisi ko apna kalam na sunana hai. ilaaj k liay mariz ko chand ghantay hakeem sahab k saath guzarna hotay hain. nuskha kuch yoon hai k hakeem sahab k pass jab koi fishar e khoon ki mariz khatoon ya mariz shair aatay hain, tou hakeem sahab sab say pehlay apnay kaanoon mein rui thoonstay hain, aur phir mariz k kaan k qareeb ja kr frmaatey hain "aur sunao"!!. bus phir mariz shuru ho jata hai sunana, aur hakeem sahab waqfay waqfay say apna sir hilatay rehtay hain aur mariz ka mushahidah krtay rehtay hain. jab mariz k hont hilna band kr dain tou hakeem sahab kaanoon say rui nikaltay hain, aur bhari bhar kam fees lay kr mareez ko sehat mand honay ki khushkhabri suna detay hain.

aur sunaaoon? g tou suniyay...

hakeem sahab ka jo nuskha tha, uss ki shohrat barrhtay barrhtay "tehreek e insdaad e fishaar e khoon pakistan" k haath lag gia. tehreek choon k pakistan say fishaar e khoon k khaatmay k liay kaam kr rahi thi, tou unhoon nai iss nuskhay k wasee paimaanay per istmaal ka faisla kia. chunachay aik mobile phone service fraham krnay wali company k ishtraak say unhoon nai tv per rozana kai dafa "aur sunao" ka wird shuru kr dia hai, jis say pakistan mein fishaar e khoon say mutassirah khwateen ki sharah mein khaasi kami waqia hui hai.

aur sunaaoon?

tou janab her dawa k kuch manfi asraat (side effects) tou hotay he hain na. aur yeh nuskha chun k zra mukhtlif qism ka tha, iss liay manfi asraat bhi marizoon ki bajae un k ird gird pae janae walay logon per ziada murattab hotay hain. iss dawa say khwateen marizoon ki sehat per to koi manfi asar nahi parra, magar un k saath rehnay walay mard hazraat k kaan kafi mutassir huay hain, lihaza kaanoon mein ddalnay k liay rui ki maang mein bhi kaafi izafa hua hai.

aur sunnaaoon?

kahaan tak suno gey kahaan tak sunaaoon, hazaroon he shikway hain kia kia bataoon.

haal mein maujood iss khamoshi, aap sab ki aankhoon mein timtimaati roshnion aur chehroon per maujood muskurahttoon per jali huroof mein likha "aur sunao" iss stage say baa asaani parrha ja sakta hai, magar waqt khatam hua chaahta hai aur alfaaz bhi, tou mein aap say ijaazat chahoon gi. iss dua k saath k aap k halq e ahbab mein koi na koi aisi hasti hamesha maujood rehay jo aap k dukh dard baanttnay k liay waqtan fawaqtan aap say fermaesh krti rehay k "aur sunao"!!

shukria!!

let me speak

again, i have feelings and emotions, but no words to describe. :( still muted, still unable to chose the right words to describe my feelings...

iQuote

there are only 10 types of people in this world; those who know binary, and those who dont.

iQuote

“You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her”
-unknown